Earlier today I answered the phone. The caller kindly introduced himself by name, before commencing his rant.
Apparently the situation in Ukraine was "all part of an evil Capitalist worldwide conspiracy". It was "yet another example of weak British governments dancing to the tune of Zion." David Cameron and Barack Obama were both "puppets of worldwide Jewry, controlled by their Tel Aviv puppet masters". Did I know that the situation in Ukraine was clearly an attempt by "Western Imperialists to rain death upon innocent children and start another World War" with the aim of "diverting attention from corrupt Jewish bankers and the economic collapse which is threatening the capitalist hegemony". Even I, a humble party hack from West Kent, was apparently part of the problem..."you are nothing more than a mouthpiece, apologist and propagandist for those who seek to impose a New World Order."
It was like a game of Conspiracy Theory Bingo; Bilderburg Group (tick), Zionist (tick), State Department (tick), MI5 (tick), Mossad (tick), Common Purpose (tick). MI6 (tick), Israel (tick), World Government (tick). I was waiting on the Opus Dei for a full house.
When he finally stopped for air it was my turn.
"I suspect we are not going to agree on this, but given your history and background, that's hardly surprising.."
Unsurprisingly, this set him off again. "What do you mean 'my history and background' what information do you have on me? This is an outrage."
"Let me see - (tap tap tap on keys). Not much really. I see you are a member of the Green Party. You attended the anti-globalisation protests two years ago, you have been to Balcombe to protest against fracking. Twice. You subscribe to 38 degrees......"
This sent him off the scale. "I knew it, I knew it. What's the world coming to when even someone like you can access my security files. It's a ******* disgrace." Click.
I could have added, "and those electric blue swimming trunks you wore in Ibiza last year really suited you and that scorpion tattoo on your tummy is quite sexy" but had I done so it might have given the game away. My secret Mossad files were nothing more than his publicly available Facebook profile.
Now, I wonder if our printer could fit mouthpiece, apologist and propagandist on my new business cards?