A day in the inbox of a Conservative Party Agent

Dear (insert name)

Thank you for your email. (Please select one of the following sentences as appropriate)

"I am sorry you don't like the font we used on the flyers advertising your branch coffee morning. I am however pleased to read that your 8 year old grandson could probably do a better job and I would not be at all offended if you asked him to print them again."

"I am sorry if it has taken us 4 hours to reply to the email you sent at 10am this morning. The deadline referred to for "signing off" your calling card was actually last Tuesday, not today. Your ward colleague signed them off on your behalf as I hadn't heard from you."

"I am sorry that you haven't received a reply to the "numerous emails" sent since Christmas, however I notice you have been using an email address which was closed down in 2012. May I suggest to avoid confusion you delete the old address from your contact book and use this one for all ongoing correspondence."

"I am sorry you think the office is 'incompetent' for not sending you a 2015 membership reminder. Upon investigation it would appear that you have actually been paying your subscription by standing order since 2011, hence we renew your membership automatically without the need to ask you to pay."

"I am afraid that I do not have Grant Shapps personal telephone number nor his address, however CCHQs phone number is (xxxxx), who may be able to tell you why you have not yet received your limited edition Conservative Party mug."

"I am sorry that the calling card contains an incorrect email address but please see below a copy of your email in which you confirm all details are correct and it is OK to print."

"I note your comment that "if we hadn't put the wrong email address on the card in the first place this mistake would not have happened" however may I draw your attention to the attached scan of your contact form, on which you wrote .co.uk rather than .com. We simply copied what you had written."

"The reason you did not receive an invitation to the branch selection meeting is not due to the "ineptitude of the agent" as you claim, but because you have not actually paid a membership subscription since 2009.  I hope this clarifies the situation." 

"I am sorry to read that you think the new calling cards are too heavy to carry and they bend in the wind."

"I don't actually think it's wise to mark someone as a Conservative on the basis they have two Jaguars in the driveway. So did John Prescott."

 "I have just spoken to the lady who delivers your road and she has assured me that she did not have a dog with her nor did she leave dog excrement on your lawn. She did say that you do not have a fence or gate and it is therefore possible that a passing dog or cat may have entered your garden without an invitation."

"I am sorry that you do not like the orange chiffon scarf you are wearing in your election photograph, I think it looks quite nice. However I must ask why you were wearing it for your photograph if you don't like it?"

Please do not hesitate to contact me again if I can be of any further assistance. 

With best wishes
Andrew